scotkid04

update

2006-02-06T01:08:36Z

Just realised how long its been since ive posted here. A lots happened in a year i suppose, been with my gf since end of march, we're heading to new york at the end of april for her 21st. she knows all about my trans stuff, although i still havent seen about it yet, its something i want to deal with but its just hard getting the nerves to go do it. all in all though its been a pretty great year, im a much stronger person than i have been for a long time and thats what matters. anyway hope everyones doing ok out there,
ste

scotkid02 @ 2005-01-24T15:16:00

2005-01-24T15:20:41Z

Haven't been saying much recently. Looks like theres nothing much to report on. I'm doing ok with life and stuff, actually feeling the clouds beginning to lift on a more permanent basis :) Hmm ok thats all I can think of, maybe thats all I need to say :)

Peace

Ste x

happiness and drunken-ness :)

2005-01-09T23:20:44Z

OK..I could kick myself for being so drunk last night that I can't remember having a beautiful girl sitting on my lap with her arm around me. I do remember her dancing with her ass practically in my face though. Can't believe I chickened out of taking things further. NEXT TIME! OH YES! :) When me and my mate Martin get together we always seem to have a great time but last night was just immense. Neither of us have ever had so much attention in one night. The number of girls who came to sit with us was unbelievable. I think we'll be making many more trips out together from now on but man, are we going to have to go all out to beat last night :) I haven't had a night as good as that ever! Oh yeah, I still got it ;)

scotkid02 @ 2004-12-20T11:48:00

2004-12-20T11:50:59Z

Woohoo I am now the proud owner of a beautiful, left-handed, cherry-red Epiphone SG. And damn does it play sweetly!
I'm really missing affection just now. You know the kind of affection you get when you're lying in the arms of a beautiful girl. Thats what I'm missing just now. Kinda feeling now like I'll never have that again :( Gahhh

scotkid02 @ 2004-12-07T12:54:00

2004-12-07T12:55:12Z

OK..I always liked my fat bottom lip (one of the few physical qualities I actaully like about myself) but I think its going to be my downfall for a while. I got my lip pierced a few days ago, but I think my lip is too fat for the ring, which isn't exactly small. Oh well, I'll just have to put up with it for six weeks until I can change over to a small spike :)
On another note, why the hell can't I get in touch with the one woman I really want to get in touch with right now? I'm trying to book my damn appointment at the gender clinic but it seems that the woman with the power to make the booking is never near her phone!! All I get it the crappy answering machine message about leaving names and numbers. I don't want to do that and have my parents answering the phone. While they know about me, I don't want to be rubbing it in their faces. Gahhhh. Maybe she'll answer tomorrow :(

scotkid02 @ 2004-12-06T16:33:00

2004-12-06T16:41:08Z

Well my access to the net has been limited since getting back home coz the rents are decorating the house. So yeah, I'm now 21!! Happy birthday to me and all that :) Got me a cool effects pedal for the geetar and a fancy new professional digital camera. Found out though that it was a toss-up between getting me a camera and a motorbike!!! That'll teach me to go on about the health benefits of getting a BMX! Oh well.
So yeah, while in Bradford, I put a deposit down on a left-handed Gibson SG copy and when filling in the form the guy put me down as MR!!! I couldn't believe it. I'm enjoying this new way people are seeing me :) Anyhoo I think thats all that can be said for the mo, gonna go watch That 70's Show and chill out while the rain pours outside. It may have drenched me 20 minutes ago, but I still gotta love hearing it bouncing off the roof outside my wondow :)

Peace

Ste (now comes aged 21)

having my character strength tested to the limits

2004-11-25T17:27:05Z

Well I'm back in Bradford again until Sunday. My stomach was in knots for the last hour and a half of the journey. I got to the house, locked my bedroom door and burst into tears. I was really not happy to be back. So far everythings been up and down. But I'll be very relieved when my Dad comes for me on Sunday.

So yeah in other news, I was walking through Glasgow city centre a few days ago when this kid drops her teddy from her pram. I picked it up and handed it to who I can only imagine was her gran and she said "Aw thanks very much son"!!! I was delighted. I love it when people think I'm a lad. It's still only very rarely but it's more than a few years ago :) Either way, it's very encouraging. Bring on the T!! :) Man I can't wait to get some stubble :P Woohoo growing excited now.

Peace to everyone, hopefully lots for myself,

Ste

scotkid02 @ 2004-11-22T12:35:00

2004-11-22T12:49:00Z

OK I hate the fact that I get that bad monthly time. Not only because of the obvious reasons though, but because when mixed with angry feelings about an ex (and also causing the angry feelings I'm sure) it makes me do stupid things like putting my fist through my bedroom wall. So now I have a sore right hand, which had just heeled from when I punched the bathroom tiles 3 weeks ago. So basically, I left Bradford with a mashed hand and I will return for those few days with a not quite so mashed hand, but hurting nonetheless. I'd been doing great the first two weeks here. The main reason I can come up with for these crazy angry feelings has to be that I'm due soon. That, and a reduced amount of contact with friends this week. I think I really need to be around people just now. Maybe then I wouldn't have to spend my time trying to find the right sized poster to cover up the hole in the wall between my window and my bed.

The best part is, I'm not even a violent person. I have never once lifted a finger to another human being. Even the few times that Em did to me, I never once felt the longing to retaliate, until things had really come to a head and I was waiting to leave. But even then I could never physically hurt another living thing, and so I take it out on myself. I know it will hurt when I bang my head on a wall or when I punch something, and yet I can't stop myself. I feel like if I hurt myself, my frustration will have been relieved, but I won't have hurt someone else in the process. It's been recommended by a few people that I should punch a pillow instead, but somehow I can never want to do that. The idea of causing myself physical pain is a more attractive option at the time, maybe because it will then take attention away from the emotional/psychological pain for a while.

Man I'm just so tired of my Jekyll and Hyde personality just now. I suppose the positive thing is that it gives me lots of scope for songwriting just now. Just a pity that I have to ignore the pain in my hand when I'm playing my guitar. Would've been smarter if I'd smashed my strumming hand I guess, though it's never a good idea to intentionally injure your main one. Oh well, just gotta be patient with things I guess.

scotkid02 @ 2004-11-18T12:21:00

2004-11-18T12:31:02Z

Hmmm ok. Until a few days ago I was doing really well. The I had to ask her the question you should never ask - have you kissed him yet? I knew she had, I guess I just wanted it confirmed. Morbid fascination and all that. But yeah, not only did she kiss him for the first time in her bedroom, the room we shared, but also, she slept in that bed with him too. OK she says that she had all her clothes on and just fell asleep or whatever. THAT DOES NOT HELP! She even admitted to me that she doesn't want anything serious and that its not like what we had. It still screws me up. Either way I've been getting back to doing ok now I guess. But I don't think I'd really care if I never had to look at her again.

In other news, I am almost 21!! Decided to ask my parents for a new electric guitar. Got my heart set on a Gibson SG-esque model, either a deep green or cherry red. My little cuz was playing his first gig at home for a while last night - incredible. He's so amazing at guitar he has everyone stunned. But the bassist really got my attention. His bass was custom-made - the fretboard had little white-blue lights!! I'd never thought of that before. I think when I finally get around to making my own guitar I'm going to be including some lights of my own :P

That is all people

Haw heid, yer heid's like an orange on a toothpick and yer still pigeon-chisted

2004-11-14T02:00:53Z

The above statement was made while I was in a queue at an Indian takeaway a few nights ago. Three girls were sitting beside me, and one was telling the others about a girl they knew texting a guy they knew. And that was what she said to him. Now, if you imagine that being said in a very thick Glaswegian (Scottish) accent, and you can appreciate the lingo (patter) of my people, that can be a very funny thing. I almost fell to the floor laughing, but didn't want to make it obvious that I'd been listening in the first place. Though you couldn't really not listen, whether or not you wanted to :) Either way, the statement made my night, and it has been in my head ever since, so I thought I'd share it with the world.

Everyone out there, be happy. Life is full of ups and downs, and we all feel crappy at least some of the time. But either way, there will always be a drunk Scottish girl informing a drunk Scottish guy of his unfortunate head-body ratio, and a girl telling the story in an accent that can be just fabulous :)

The happy people of Scotland really could save the world :) We love you all.

Be well xxx

I grabbed a spoon :)

2004-11-12T19:16:35Z

Well last night, Martin, Clare and I went out to the traffic light night at the student union. Mostly cheesy old skool pop music, but great for nostalgia :) While dancing I kept exchanging glances with this totally hot girl, even smiling a few times. When I was at the bar she was standing relatively close by. As we waited for drinks she edged nearer til she was pretty much right beside me. Since I think I saw her looking a few times from the corner of my eye, I turned to face her and we shared a few smiles and laughs over the music. She had a beautiful smile. When she left the bar her arm brushed pretty heavily against mine and man it felt awesome. Didn't see her for a while until later, a gap cleared in the dance floor and we were looking right at eachother again. Again she flashed this totally amazing smile. Eventually I gave Martin permission to go up and ask her if she was straight. She was. Oh well. He said that she smelled as beautiful as she looked, and that was just her hair!

The moral of this story? Well, while it wasn't me going up and talking to this girl, that is the first time I've ever allowed anyone to ask a random girl something like that. She said she was straight, which, right now, will have to be how things are judged since I haven't started hormones yet. But if I hadn't let him ask then I would never have known. Maybe in a year's time, with my changes, she would have been interested. Either way, there was certainly something there between us, I'm not the only person who noticed. That's a big deal for me. I see it as a massively positive step forward. As Ross said in Friends - "I just grabbed a spoon."

scotkid02 @ 2004-11-10T13:30:00

2004-11-10T13:40:22Z

OK..any British "Coupling" fans out there? Jeff-replacing Oliver got it in one when he talks about breaking up with someone - you buy a bigger TV etc. I haven't quite gone that far, but I'm buying DVDs like there's no tomorrow. And every time I'm in Glasgow I'm eyeing up a Dolby 5.1 speaker set for £30. It's like I just want to turn my bedroom into a movie palace. Wonder why that is..surely the time that I don't have a job is the time I should NOT be spending? Oh well, it keeps me happy :)

Mmmm.....chips, cheese and pakora sauce would go down very well just now. :P

happy :)

2004-11-09T00:02:36Z

Heehee at the moment I feel rather giddy and so I thought that was worth posting :) No reason why I feel giddy, but I thought that with all the negative posts I should really mention this :) Gonna go make me a sandwich with a leftover nut cutlet then watch some dazed & confused in bed. Mmmm being veggie can be sooo delicious :)

scotkid02 @ 2004-11-07T17:53:00

2004-11-07T18:03:45Z

Well today I resigned myself to singledom and, wait for it, picked out a single bed that will be mine for however long I decide to stay with my parents. Losing my double bed will be the end of an era. And now I'm loving it just because I can bunch all the pillows together and use it as an extra-amazing sofa. But if I'm to move from England for good I'm goin to need the extra floor space for all the stuff that will be coming with me :( Oh well. I really miss the affection you share when you're with someone you care about. Even if it's not love, the affection could still be amazing. I hope it isn't too long before I can find that affection with someone again. I had a dream about a girl last night. A girl I've never seen before. Only thing I can say about her - absolutely beautiful. The kind of beauty that is pure, untouched by make-up. Maybe this is my dream girl :) Then again maybe my subconscious is just desperately trying to fill the woid that has been missing for a month now. Hmmm. Oh well.

scotkid02 @ 2004-11-04T14:13:00

2004-11-04T14:28:21Z

And now I am posting from the alternate reality that is Scotland. People, I am now officially back in the British deep south. Hope the presence of too many close-minded, small-town bigoted twats won't stall my development into malehood. Nah its not that bad really, just small-town mentality I guess. Will be better if I move into Glasgow in the summer. So if anyone needs a flatmate next summer, I will most likely be interested :)
So, this whole break-up with Em may actually turn out to have been a good thing after all. I mean, the first night I got here me and mum actually chatted for ages about my relationship etc. She was actually talking to me about my relationship face to face! And she seems to be doing ok with whole gender stuff too, even making a joke about it. I think just now I really do need a rebound though. Unfortunately, I feel like I'd be cheating going to a gay bar or something (even though my friend is totally up for it). I dunno why but I feel like it would be pretty harsh to have a girl believing she was with another girl, and not someone who would soon be a boy. At least with Em she knew what I was. Which leads me to the conclusion that bisexual girls are the most excellent people ever :) Anyhoo thats enough ranting, but damn girls are awesome. OK I'm done,
Ste

scotkid02 @ 2004-10-27T18:07:00

2004-10-27T18:09:42Z

Been a busy few days. Monday night was spent in Leeds Met union watching Breed 77, supported by The Butterfly Effect. As it happens, right now I'm loads into The Butterfly Effect, and so was there mainly to see them. You can imagine my delight when, straight after (like less than a minute) they'd finished their set, I bumped into Clint Boge (singer) while trying to find the toilets. I actually got to talk to him. I told him the set was excellent and that I really enjoyed the album and he said "Thanks man I'm glad you like it (etc)!" I was soooo pleased. I totally forgot to get an autograph but i think not asking made me seem cooler :p So yeah that rocked. And of course Breed were awesome too, despite the fact that a stray mosher flew into Em who flew into me, who flew straight back about 10 feet, landed on my back, fortunately padded by 3 jackets in my bag. Oh well, all part of a good night I suppose.
Tuesday night was spent seeing HIM at Leeds union (not Leeds Met, as if that matters), who were also pretty damn good.
Tonight will be spent at the rock club and then Thursday will be Hoobastank in Manchester. Haven't listened to their new stuff but their first album was awesome. Such a feel-good summer album :)
Then there's a friend's 22nd birthday on Thursday and another friend's housewarming party on Saturday. So at least my last weekend in England will have been eventful :)

Ste

what changes a person's heart?

2004-10-24T17:07:14Z

Ok so at least one positive thing has come from all this stuff with Emma - my mum is finally acknowledging the fact that I have been in a relationship with a girl. Both parents are also being seemingly more supportive of my plans to have hormones etc. Maybe the fact that they know I'm hurting right now is a positive thing for them because it brings out their protective parental instincts. It will probably be a good thing that I'm going back home to them for a while. As the last week has proven, blood probably is still thicker than water.
I'm baffled at how a person who I have always thought to have had the kindest heart in the world, now seems to be having it blackened by all that has gone on. I am no longer totally blaming myself for the break-up of our relationship, because I can now see that I am not the only one who has been at fault. And it's also refreshing to see that I'm not the only one who feels that way. While I feel sorry for Emma that our mutual friends all seem to think she's being really insensitive etc, I can no longer defend her, because she is the one who chooses to spend all of her spare time with her soon-to-be boytoy, rather than the people who have been around forever. I'm a strong believer in karma and I just have to accept that they will get theirs when the time is right. In any case, it is out of my hands now. After the humiliation I suffered at her hands today, I am beginning to feel that I don't even want her in my life at all at this point. I thought she was the most amazing individual I had ever known. Now I'm beginning to see her in a whole new light, and she is selfish and more than a little hearless at times.
I deserve better than that. I neglected her at times, but I would never have treated her the way she is now treating me. At least I didn't discover this after we'd gone off travelling together - the thought of doing this without the support group I have just now is pretty unbearable.
Anyway, this is Ste, hoping to send out some positive signals to the world again soon.

scotkid02 @ 2004-10-22T20:00:00

2004-10-22T19:13:07Z

I'm still kinda in shock at the thought of leaving this city and country that has been my home for the last 3 years. All of my friends are here. I think I may actually miss the sight of mushy bread left on grass banks for the birds. I may even miss the little idiots that run around the street thinking they own the place and put fireworks through our letterbox. But what I won't miss is feeling crappy everytime I wake up and remember that Emma is upstairs and not lying beside me. I won't miss that sickening shudder every time I see her texting that little 17 year old who has been trying to win her over for months. Oh well. Maybe he's got her. Whatever. Somehow, even if it does happen, I don't think it will last. I need to get back to being my former calm, controlled self. I can't keep letting her see me like a train wreck every time I get upset. I have 9 more days to deal with this. Then I can at least be free of seeing her everyday. God I want my own life back now.

Ste

scotkid02 @ 2004-10-20T18:49:00

2004-10-20T17:58:00Z

Hmmm. Well last night turned out rather interesting. While 3 of us were sitting in my housemate's attic bedroom, we heard the sound of a firework screaming then banging. Like, really really close by. We thought it had come into our house. At the same time we heard my ex screaming downstairs. Thinking she'd been hurt we ran down to get her. She turned out to be ok, just got a fright, and said it had been set off outside. Relieved, we walked to the ground floor, to find the hallway full of smoke. Some little losers thought it would be funny to put a firework through our letterbox. While my other housemate had his bedroom door open right beside the hallway, no less!!! Do people not get that if you screw around with fireworks which are, in essence, bombs, that someone could be very seriously injured/maimed/blinded/killed etc??? If Emma had gone down those stairs, which she was about to, or if Tom had stepped out of his bedroom, either of them could've now been lying in a f***ing hospital bed or worse. Why is the human race so self-destructive?

Ste

i am beating the smell

2004-10-19T19:43:00Z

Well. The sink in my bedroom leaked last week to overwhelming proportions. And then of course the heating kicked in and proceeded to dry the carpet, giving it the funkiest smell. Finally, after a week of spraying deodourant at the patch and leaving the window open to air the room, the smell is beginning to recede. Today was the first day I could open the door and not be beaten back by the blast of the aroma. I feel the need to celebrate this moment :)

Ste

scotkid02 @ 2004-10-18T18:40:00

2004-10-18T18:00:53Z

Maynard James Keenan rules. The man has one of those voices I crave. I can't help but envy those out there, doing what they love, and ruling at it.

Why do people become bitches to the system? They spend the best part of their week spillng guts in a job that they hate. Half of their wage goes immediately to the government, and what they're left with goes to the remaining taxes and bills and necessities for life. Are they happy to do this? They complain about it every single day of their lives but they do nothing about it. They give up on their dreams and desires, to spend their lives existing and generally feeling bored and empty during their days. The idea of finishing uni and going straight into a career terrifies me. I couldn't contemplate the notion that I spent the age of 4-20 getting an education and that now, 21-? would be spent in mindless/stressful/unfulfilling employment.

Now I want to live for me, doing what I want. I can only hope I don't one day fall into the trap of being numbed by my repetitive daily existence. If I decide I'll be happy settling in one job and one place then of course I'll do it, but not until I can be sure.

I'm so excited about feeling male on the outside. I can't wait to wear a shirt that sits totally flat on me. To be able to get the tattoos I want on my body, where I want them. I sometimes feel like a child, excited over birthday presents :) The thought of having a bit of stubble is sometimes all it takes to start me grinning like an idiot.

To other transguys before me; how do you find it goes making new friends when you start the transition? Do you find you are met with apprehension/judgement etc or is it usually an easy going affair? Just curious.

Ste

scotkid02 @ 2004-10-18T00:25:00

2004-10-17T23:55:53Z

OK..just got back from seeing a movie with the girl. Was ok, pleasant. But this isn't right. Not when I know now its pretty much inevitable that she's going to start something, however brief/serious/whatever, with this new guy. If it wasnt for the magic plant right now I don't think I'd be able to stay calm. Need to hold on for two more weeks before getting back to Scotland. After that, who knows?
On another subject, I thought Tom Cruise was pretty funny in Colateral. The guy is just one of those people who can be pretty special.
I want to play guitar again. I want a band. I think I may even want long hair, possibly dreaded eventually. I want to work in a music/coffee/book store. I want to work my hours then come home, chill out, play guitar, read books, watch DVDs, get mellow then hit the sack. What I don't want right now, is to be headed for a career, or spilling my guts trying to get into one. I'm not even 21 yet. I want to be juvenile. I want to act like a normal teenage boy, since I didn't have the chance during my teenagehood. Do other guys get like that?
I want to have flings, without worrying if it'll lead to anything more serious. If it was Em (special girl), I'd prob throw all of that away to get serious with her again just now. Maybe that wouldn't be good for me. I mean, if she was to realise tomorrow that we deserved that last chance, I'd probably ditch the plan to go back to Scotland, and set about being the best boyfriend I could be. But would it make either of us happy in the long run? Em can read me like a book. She told me she thought I should probably have some flings. I wasn't interested. But in all these years of yearning to be male, I've neglected the most important thing I should be focussing on; who am I?
At the age of 16 I tried desperately hard to live happily as a normal girl. I went to the clubs my friends liked, even though I hated the music. But of course I continued to listen to it. Now I know, while I still enjoy some pop tracks I hear on the radio, I like rock. Always have done but not to the level that I do now. I want to see even where that takes me. I've been told I have a nice voice. Maybe I'll like it when it becomes male. So maybe when I get through a bit of t I'll try starting that band. Maybe become a rock n roll star ;) I suppose what I'm saying is, I'm almost 21, I'm about to embark on a new stage in my physical life (albeit not for a few months yet), I'm now single (not through choice and I'm devastated but who hasn't been at some point?) and so maybe, this isn't as bad a time as it looks just now. Maybe now I can learn who I am. Maybe I need to take some time on my own to find that stuff out. I have this feeling about Em (maybe because I know the reason the relationship ended was because of my insecurities over my gender status), that our time together hasn't come to a complete end. I just have this feeling that somewhere down the line our paths will cross again, and I will be the person I need to be. I have this feeling that, if that stuff was out the way, we could have the most amazing relationship - we already did until I went crazy about the gender stuff. So maybe now I should open the next chapter of my life. It's scary as hell, but if I didn't take the chance on moving to England, I never would've met Em, and I probably would've been nowhere as near transitioning as I am now. Chances are worth taking. You have to keep updating and refreshing your life and mind. So that's what I have to do. Have I just had an epiphany? Or is it tiredness talking? Who knows. Whatcha gonna do? :)

Ste

scotkid02 @ 2004-10-17T10:20:00

2004-10-17T09:35:59Z

I hate being a graduate. Uni at least makes you feel like you have some sort of purpose in life. When I was reaching the end of my course I thought life after uni would be amazing, me and my girlfriend would work during the day, then spend the evenings together. That was all she wanted too. But of course, here we are, 3 months after graduating, broken up, working together, living together and, it would seem, seeing eachother less and less. It's a real blow to the heart that I've gone from being the person she wanted to spend all of her time with, to the person she barely wants to see. Especially when she'd now rather be spending her time with a new guy. I can't believe she'd consider anything happening with a newly-turned 17 year old still in high school, when she's almost 23 and has completely finished uni. Maybe she wants to cling to her youth.
She gets angry when I talk and get excited about starting the hormones. She gets angry that I'm finally ready to do it now, when she won't be able to be as much a part of it. For the last 15 months all she wanted was to be with me. I wanted her too, but I hated the idea that people in the street would see us as lesbians, because I have never been that. She hated that I cared so much about what other people thought. I really wish I could change everything now. It just took me so long to face up to the fact that you have to take chances in life. Now I can see my goal, and I'm focused. But I want her. I can't understand how her feelings can just change. I can't believe that she won't be able to see me in that same old light, after time. Which makes me think the best thing I can do just now is to move back home to Scotland. If I go there, I won't be reminded every day of what I've lost. I won't feel the same empty pain every morning I wake up and remember she's not lying there. But then I think that if I stay, maybe things will get better. Maybe we'll relax around eachother and she'll want to spend time with me again. Maybe even more, eventually. It's so hard trying to decide what to do. Going means a fresh start, but it also means leaving all of the people here who have supported me. And it means I'm going to have to live with my parents again. Staying means I'll have my friends around me, but it also means I'll have her around me. Would be too awkward to move house, so I'll basically see her every single day. I really don't know what would be best.

Anyone got any opinions?

Ste

pained

2004-10-13T06:14:52Z

I just woke up to that empty feeling you get when you realise she's not there. The sick-tasting feeling of deep regret and hurt. Sometimes I look at her and think theres still hope for us. Maybe a glimmer of love in her eyes, the playful, flirty smile she flashes. Then it disappears as quickly as it surfaces and I feel empty again. I am just not ready to let her go, to let us go. I cannot believe that the small part of her that still wants to give us a chance, will not emerge with time. I'm not ready to give up on the most beautiful thing in my life.

Ste

scotkid02 @ 2004-10-10T10:31:00

2004-10-10T17:34:42Z

Well. Now that I've broken up with my girlfriend and awaiting my mother to call in response to the email I sent confirming that I will actually be going through with gender reassignment, today is yet another in a number of recent days to not be so great. I wish I knew really how other guys dealt with this stuff when they were getting raw deals. Would be so great to be able to talk to people with them seeing me as a regular guy. Especially girls. For some reason I'd see that as more of an acceptance. Ho hum.